The Worst of the Bad Haiku
by Tod Caviness

(This is it. Sensei Tod has held a tounament on his secluded
mountain fortress, where the most deadly of his Bad Haiku were
summoned to do battle for supremacy. When the smoke cleared, only
the most godawful emerged, battered and bloody. Tod-san is honored
by their senseless violence.)

The mind never knows
the true cost of the cheap beer
only the colon

Be a child at heart
and a porn star in body
and we'll be just fine

When I find a bug
I try and reason with it
but it never works

Haikus are too short
never enough syllables
to tell you what I

When I take a shit
and read comics, the explosions
have sound effects.

The ducks in the pond
arc gracefully past, quacking.
Someone should kill them.

A corpse in my fridge.
Dead cockroach somehow frozen.
Should I eat that cheese?

I am not Moby.
Moby is bald. I am bald.
But I am not him.

They say Viagra
can help my grandad's sex life.
Don't make me throw up.