Untitled
by Heather Krull
"I want to be more than content.
I want to be happy." Her overconfident
naive response to the query,
"What do you want out of life?"
Years later - She reviews
over a cigarette & assorted caffinated drinks
She inhales
and winces
What the fuck did that girl know?
She exhales her stream of toxic calm
Did she settle?
Could there have been more?
She drinks
ruminates
inhales deeply
What would make her feel more signaificant?
Her career?
A career?
exhale
drink
Content
nothing bad
nothing amazing
treading water
inhale
Maybe that book on her zodiac sign
was correct
not the part about screwing dogs
that was just gross
The part about the restless spirit
exhale
Always looking for something else
drink
She has more than most
little room to complain
little desire to do so
her life is filled with moments
but she's stagnating
wallowing in her own mediocrity
inhale
exhale
drink
wince
ruminate
She could take on more bad habits
but who has the time?
The ones she already has take up
too much of it as it is
She only engages in the ones sanctified by
the laws & bonds she lives within
inhale
exhale
drink
Some very appealing bad habits seemed
less the dead end path. She has deemed them
and more a clearly marked expressway to
hell
and a potential loss of that which made up those
moments
She inhales on the waning cigarette deeply
exhales slowly
takes a drink
Starts over
She counts her blessings
one two three
Her problems are internal
She knows this will pass
Contentedness has this fools gold quality
letting her believe for awhile
Sucking her into the pleasant quietude
of its false promise
inhale
exhale
drink
"Fuck," she says, grinding out her cigarette,
"What the fuck did she know?"
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