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12 Step Aside Program
For the next few weeks, I’ll be taking you on a comprehensive journey of self-empowerment and guide you along the rough and horribly terrifying path to personal perfection.
I will help to give you a smooth integration back into the society that you have fallen out of. My 12 Step Aside Program will teach you lessons that no other self-help seminar can. I will give you tips, tools and tricks that may assist you build doors and windows into the walls that shut you out of the world as we know it. We will work together to help you, help yourself. No matter what walk of life you are in, I will push you in the right direction, to get everyone's walks of life pretty much the same.
Lets repeat this simple phrase that may save your life. "Different is different"
No one likes the oddball, and I know that for damn sure. The 5th wheel. The outcast.
So Step One tells us how to cope with being different and changing that.
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So, here are the steps
1 - Let your anger go
The first step to a better you that we will discuss this evening.
2 - Smile, even if you're worthless
The power of apparent happiness will give you the potential to manipulate and control. Cry and the whole world laughs at you. Smile and you'll be laughed at anyway, but at least you'll look happy.
3 - Cultivate your energy and get fired for success
How to work hard at never working again. This fun and informative Step will beef up your skills in occupation avoidance strategies. Are you Paycheck Dependent? Then this step is for you.
4 - Let others help with your self-help
In this step, I will instruct you how to study and emulate others in order to make your personality more predictable and acceptable. Here, you will follow the trends and fashions of todays "Popular Culture" based society and become so acceptable that even your friends won't like you.
5 - Sweat the small stuff
Step five will prepare you to face the facts about how insignifigant you really are. You are a bit player in someone elses movie, take this Step and learn how to remain quiet and out of the way of history. Make a difference by being the same.
6 - Buy yourself some contentment
Shop yourself to self-confidence and contribute to your community's economy with Step six. We will take a close look at spending your hard-earned money on the societal pacifiers that keep Americans happy!
7 - Feed your head... with lies!
If the truth hurts, don't listen! Propaganda worked for Nazi Germany, it can work for you! This indispensable tool will let you "Stand up and lie".
8 - Blame your parents
Face the true cause for your patheticness, Mom and Dad! Is it hereditary? Poor parenting? Child abuse? It doesn't matter in Step eight! Just blame away. Hire a lawyer and "Sue for your love".
9 - Program a speed dial to your soul
Here we will discover new ways to make spiritual belief convenient with your modern lifestyle. Your conscience getting in the way? Make your actions justifiable by picking a religion just for you. Also, how to loop-hole your God!
10 - Drink yourself sober
Let alcohol grease up the wheels of your social disorders. This practice most of you are already good at, so I will assist you to hone your skills.
11 - Self-mutilate and learn
Can't find any pleasure in life? Self-inflicted suffering may be the option for you! This painful lesson will replace your lack of joy with experiences you won't soon forget, or heal from. With group activities! Fun!
12 - Suicide: do's and don'ts
The last Step in the Program, and maybe your existence. A matter-of-fact look at going from here to the hereafter efficiently and proficiently. So grab your toaster and fill up the tub for this exciting Step.
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STEP ONE
Let your anger go
Step one will provide us with an outlet for our aggressions and allow us to continue through the embetterment process unhindered by negative emotion. Lets get it all out now. Instead of giving positivity the finger, we’ll give it the thumb. First we must expel the waste product; pessimism.
I want everyone to take a deep breath, and when you release it, hate everyone because they are not you. Repeat this phrase; “I hate everyone because they are not me.”
I want a fire of pain and fear to burn a hole behind your eyes with utter rage and uncontrollable revulsion toward all life. Toward all of your failures and inadequacies. Towards your shame and regret. I want you to grit your teeth and breath deep and prepare to shout your feelings of pure satanic anger and apprehension towards all that will soon cower before your dominance of whom you care for and the crushing power that you wield like an insane child before your thoroughly doomed enemies.
And I want you to hold it there until around Step 8, when it will be useful.
This next exercise is called Hate Yourself Happy! Simply think of four things that you hate about something or someone. I’ll start and you can practice at home.
Lets use my neighbor as an example.
1- I really dislike her loud music.
2- I don’t appreciate it when she takes my recycle bin.
3- I don’t appreciate it when she leaves needles in my recycle bin.
4- When she is having sex, I really despise when her breasts slam into the wall and keep me up all night, listening.
See?! Fun, fun, fun. You’re already happier. You’re well on your way to Step 2 of my Step Aside Program next week.
Lets review: